19. A Brief History Of Time

There's me, Essex Girl, am 11, parents split up rather amicably, Daddy gets new girlfriend and moves away, Mother meets Scottish Man.. Big Sis meets Peck on Dating Direct and plans to move out, Essex Girl is left with the prospect of living alone with elderly Mother with ME who makes her feel guilty that she's never there and she's all alone. Mother and Scottish Man decide to move in together as Big Sis is moving out and Essex Girl is a London-tramp who's never home. All move to new house, Scottish Man drives Essex Girl to drink, Essex Girl makes rash statement to move out, rather regrets it and is now making a good impersonation of the Littlest Hobo - or perhaps a rather well-groomed tramp with a Pringle holdall rather than a shopping trolley.

And so this is how I find myself residing part-time in an apartment in Mayfair during my working week.

I have decided to spend the next week or so in London. It's working out quite well on one hand as well! I don't have to pay out the extortionate travel fare for the commute from Essex to London, I get driven to beautiful apartments in the most desirable locations around London, taken out to dinner then left to do as I please for the rest of the evening. I don't have to cook, a cleaner comes and sorts everything out and my office is a mere 15 minute tube ride away.

On the other hand however it is quite a lonely and solitude lifestyle (a bit like a hamster). Most of my friends are back in Essex and I am not at the stage of being comfortable enough yet to have friends staying over and going out.

Of course I wouldn't want it this way forever, and I love going home on the weekend and getting back to normality. I have been living on Baker Street this week and while it's relaxing and luxurious there are several things I am looking forward to:

• Being able to simply turn the tv on, not having to contend with finding the remote that releases it from the ceiling, trying in vain to turn it on for about half an hour through a vast amount of remotes and a wall control panel and finally giving up almost in tears in frustration.
  



• Actually having food and cutlery in a kitchen. It's not normal to have a fridge with only a bottle of vodka in it. (doesn't he know it's a sign of alcoholism to drink alone at home?)
  



• Being able to walk out of my front door and get in my car not worrying what I am wearing or what I look like. Now I have to walk past a lobby with a somewhat hot 24 hour ex-SAS security guy on the door who looks like he's watching my every move.




• Speaking to other real-life people, not just Fairy Godfather when he deigns me a visit. Ok I love him, he's a sweetie but I feel like I am getting Stockholme symdrome. When I am alone there I sometimes feel like I am in a huge, rather luxurious prison and when I have some human contact in the form of FGF I am so happy and jump all over him! This isn't a good sign!

I need to get my friends up to London some nights once I am more settled for some serious nights out on the town!

We went to Hammersmith School Disco last weekend, it was so cool! I love anything that involves some slutty dressing up anyway! Combine that with a bottle of Absolut vodka, some cheesy school disco music worthy of Talk on a Thursday night and my crazy friends who love nothing more than dancing around with such vigour that they wake up with bruises and you have yourself a good night! I even wound up on the Hammersmith website!

We stayed until three in the morning and I am ashamed of the followig facts:

*I fell asleep actually in the club - true sign of a drunken girl.

*I was sick in the limo on the way home - nice.

*I spoke to some French boy for approximately 1 hour with the sole intention of getting a chuppa chup strawberry and cream lolly pop from him.

How the standards slip with simply the addition of a slutty school uniform!