18. One Night In Stepford (Wives)

I found myself back in London a few hours later, bag packed, ready for my after-work adventure! Tonight was the night I was going to stay in the apartment. Now it sounds dodgy but it isn't - you see this is just one of many The Fairy Godfather owns around London and he doesn't even live there. He said I can use it whenever I want which is terribly handy! There's nothing worse than being under each other's feet - at least here I can be on my own when I want. Kind of like a hotel...

Anyway he picks me up from Green Park and takes me to the apartment so I can have a little sleep (v late night the night before!) and a shower. He says this place will be perfect for me, just one person as it's not too big and has a central location. Also it's just around the corner from his house. We turn up and it is in a lovely old building just off of Park Lane - we go in and ... wow!

This place was AMAZING! It's exactly how I would decorate somewhere if I had my own house and endless money. Everything was brand new as it had never been lived in and consisted of five bedrooms, six bathrooms, two lounges, a kitchen, two dining rooms, a steam room, sauna, jazuzzi, gym and a terrace.

It was PERFECT!

He left me to get ready and have a sleep and said he would come back to get me at about 9:00pm. The minute he was out the door I was running round having a look everywhere taking pictures on my phone as no-one would believe just how nice it was! I settled my stuff in the end bedroom, the biggest one! It had a huge dressing room and a massive bathroom with a beautiful freestanding bath and a shower big enough for a family of five Albanians.

Finally I realised I had to start getting ready and attempted to have a shower. I ran the water for what seemed an eternity and it was just running cold. In the end, out of desperation I decided to just have a cold shower (remember it's November), to my dismay just as I am stepping out the water runs hot. I kept thinking it was doing this the whole time though as if you run cold water over your entire body long enough your mind starts to play tricks on you, telling you it's getting warmer. It's not. I realised it was because the water here hadn't been used in months and all I had to do was run it. I was so mad I was tempted to have another shower in scalding hot water to make up for the misery of the cold one. But the thought of broken veins and the lack of time stopped me.

He came back to get me and we laid on the bed talking for a while, I asked where he had been - that's when he told me he had just been at a very famous British pop star's house who is permanently in my Top-Three Man List! I couldn't believe it! I had sooo missd out having my damn cold shower. The moral of the story here? Stay dirrty!

Anyway, we went out for dinner at a beautiful chinese restaurant in Soho. He was irritating me a bit as he kept texting. He has a harem of about 15 girlfriends and his phone rings CONSTANTLY. He often turns it upside down while we're out so you can't see it permanently flashing but when he looks at the end of dinner/whatever there are about 28 missed calls and twice as many messages. I am not even exaggerating. It's ok though, and this is the beauty of the relationship I wanted! You see - he has so many girls he dates that he isn't constantly nagging to see me. And that's sooo attractive!

At about 1:00am he drives me home (look at me calling the multi-million pound house 'home') and he doesn't stay even a minute. I'm relieved as I want to watch re-runs of Have I Got News For You and lay on the bed, texting and reading - and luckily he has another date to see to. Finally, the perfect relationship! I can't believe this could work but it does! Do I feel the slightest twinge of jelousy? Hell no! Lonlieness? Maybe.

When he's gone I realise it's dark out, very late and I am all alone in this huge show room of a house, brightly lit with not a thing out of line. It feels as fake as my boobs and wouldn't look out of place in Stepford.

The apples in the holder in the kitchen are fake, the champagne bottle with the strawberries in the hot tub is unopened, the plastic is still on the inside of the fridge and the only personal touch in the entire house is the bottles of Evian, vodka and lemonade that have been put especially there for me. The beds have never been slept in and the bathrooms never used. Everything I touch seems to stick out like a sore thumb as it's now not in keeping with the impossible perfectness of the rest of the house.

I decided the best thing to do is watch the only tv I managed to get working (darn these plasma stylee, sky digital thingimibobs!) and lie on the bed whist trying to not think of scenes from Sixth Sense and Amityville Horror. I don't even contemplate trying to sleep with the tv or lights off and drift off into a suprisingly deep slumber in these strange surroundings.